Ground Hog Day Blues

Maybe it's too much Asahi, but I feel like dying right now.I'm sure my life could be a hell of lot worse, but to me it's just a mess right now. Went out tonight with some friends - made the mistake of asking out a woman that I've known for some time and who seemed to like me, but what a f**king disaster. Every time I get knocked down, I feel less and less like standing back up.I just hate the look they give you - sort of a mixture of shock and confusion with a bit of suppressed laughter. The last ten years have been just full of that shit. Maybe it's the acute lack of self confidence that I've radiated ever since I was kidnapped and nearly killed. When I think about it, my personal life has spiraled down since 1992 and I feel like I've been roped and dragged behind the clown mobile.My best friend lives 2,000 miles away. He is the only friend I enjoy being around no matter what mood I'm in or he's in. Unconditional friendship - I guess I'm lucky to even have one friend like that. I just can't relate to any of the superficial assholes around my age that I always seem to meet. I guess if I could, I'd hate myself even more. It seems like so many of the women out here just want to know how much you make and expect you to look like some vain, hairless, heroin chic, hermaphroditic pretty boy. It kills me that some of the worst of these kinds of wenches are about as kissable as a baboon's ass, but they cop the attitude nonetheless.The other day, a young woman revealed more culture and intelligence in a brief conversation than I've seen in women twice her age. I can't remember the last time that's happened - especially with anyone within five years of my age.I think I need to really look at California and this business of mine and decide whether to "stay or go now". The customers suck, the workload is unbearable, the money is laughable and my employees just wear me out with excuses, illnesses and crappy attitudes about work. I've always been too lenient with both of them, and it has made things worse.If I had the balls, I'd probably open a vein and take a hot bath, but I know life can be better. At one time I had cute girlfriends with brains, fun and artistic friends, shorter work hours and decent money - I've never made enough for two or a family, but nobody seemed to mind. My customers think I'm rich, yet they still try to treat me like a bus boy when they need help. Damn their eyes.I hope I snap out of this before Monday. I think I might take a ride into SF tomorrow or drive down to Santa Cruz. I hope something happens to restore my faith in love and friendship. It certainly won't happen as a result of my efforts. I'm so f**king embarrassed - and now half drunk.

Varekai

Just got back from Cirque de Soleil's Varekai. It was the first live show that I've attended and it was great. Very cool costumes, music, comedy and of course gymnastics. I'll go again when they return and will try to catch "O" in Las Vegas if I go for my 40th.Went with Annie and two of her friends and met some other friends there, but have to admit that I don't know why I bothered to ask Annie. She never said "thank you" or even acknowledged that she enjoyed the show. Her friends did. Why does she have to be like that? I give up on her. I know I've said it before, but at this point it still upsets me and it even interferes with what goes on at work.Maybe when she gets past some of the issues that she appears to be struggling with, she'll be happier. All I know is that I can do my best to tell her that she is attractive, smart and capable of many things, but when the rudeness kicks in, none of the good things seem to matter. I've know her for over three years and it's hard not to be concerned about her, but these days I get the feeling that she'd be happier if I just left her alone - and as long as she continues to be a reliable employee, I'll be happy to oblige.Too bad about the Raiders - who cares. They SUCK and pro sports SUCK - three people passed up the show tonight to watch that game on TV - big whoop. Bet they enjoyed watching the Raiders lose the whole time. Sports are fine and more people, like me, should actively play them, but when people arrange their lives around watching these arrogant, unloyal millionaire athletes, and their team owners, who'll screw their fans out of money every chance they get, I say, "Why bother?" It's out of control.Okay - big day tomorrow. Lots of work, so maybe of few episodes of anime and off to bed. All in all, a pretty good day.

Psycho Cat

Rossini, my cat, the one in the picture next to my user name, is driving me nuts.He keeps running into the room, biting my leg (lightly) and running away. Then he cries and tries to run up the walls. It was funny - ONCE - but he has been at it all night. I tried playing with him, but he won't settle down. I'm going to turn him into a hat or a pair of gloves if he doesn't knock it off.Work has been tough. Lots to do before my workshop next week. (Something just crashed in the living room - gee, I wonder who did it?) I need some time off, but it will have to wait. Trying to make plans to spend my 40th birthday this year in Las Vegas with a bunch of friends. It's the most logical choice for location, cost and things to do. We're going to rent a few condos, through various time shares, so that nobody has to pay for accommodations. I may still spend a night or two in elaborate casino/hotel.Going to see Cirque de Soleil next Sunday. I like the creepy atmosphere they often create - I hope this show is a good one. Should buy DVD Dralion - that's my favorite. Their live shows are EXPENSIVE. We're talking upper crusty carnies here. I wouldn't pay this much to see the bearded lady, the dog boy and the snake girl perform No Exit. Yeah, I know - that was over my head, too.This Sunday I'm taking my Mom to the cemetery. It's been over three years since my Dad took his life. Over time, it doesn't seem bother you as much or as often, but it never goes away. Sometimes I dream about him and I'm usually sad the whole day. I hate it when a dream makes you wake up upset.Oh well, sometimes these things remind me to enjoy life and to live it to the fullest while I can. Like Ringo said "Tomorrow Never Knows".

Temptress Moon

Just watched Temptress Moon with Gong Li - what a dish. She is always convincing and engaging - whether she's playing an opium smoking slut or an arrogant princess. I'm sure the Chinese are sick of her, but at least she is a great actress - unlike many of our American leading lady counterparts - I won't name names and offend everyone.So many foreign films have engaging stories and great actors without the car chases and bloodletting. I can't think of an American film in recent history that can even compare to some of the anime films I've seen. The plots are hokey, the actors SUCK and the hype around the films is ridiculous. If it's not about gruesome murders, rogue cops, gangsters, sci-fi brutality, terrorism or espionage, it ain't gettin' made in America. Occasionally they come out with a drama, but they end up being sappy and everybody in the movie is from the South or is white trash dying of some horrible disease. Think about it.Lately they've been trying to pass off these corny WWII epics as great films. Movies like "Shaving Ryan's Privates", "Pearl Har-bore" are just watered down US propaganda films designed to give Americans a hard on for war - it seems to be working, too. From watching these films, one might believe that the rest of the world is filled with evil miscreants who stir up trouble because they are jealous of "our way of life" -- an "we" are just pure, self-less, liberty loving, divine beings who rush in to save the world in the final reel flying a tattered "Old Glory". If you want great films about war, see Rhapsody in August or Grave of the Fireflies. If America were a human body, Hollywood would be the a**hole.I hope you're all getting this. It WILL be on the final exam.

Elf Bowling . . .

Christmas may be over, but Elf Bowling is always in season.Go to nstorm.com and download away. Whee!