Time to make the doughnuts . . .

There used to be this great commercial back East for Dunkin'Donuts. This goofy little guy with a mustache, wearing a nightcap, is lying in bed and muttering "time to make the doughnuts". Then you'd see him mechanically get out of bed,with his eyes closed, turn off the alarm clock that said 4:00AM, brush his teeth, shower, get dressed, drive to the doughnut place - and all the while muttering "time to make the doughnuts".Today, for the first time since I started my business, I felt like that guy. This isn't good.On a darker note, I remember a song by Richard Thompson called Burns Supper that really sums up my life lately. The melody is hauntingly beautiful - just guitar and voice. Once you hear it, it will always stay with you. ******O you speak the words, locked in my breastBut it's late for me, let an old man restOne more black and tan on the barricadeTo keep me safe from lovingI close my eyes, close my eyesTo the cold flame of the Northern LightsI close my eyes, close my eyesAnd I see you still in the shuttered night.What a new-found friend is honestyTo see ourselves as others seeTo see the shy boy inside the manIs that all I am - just starved of loving?I close my eyes, close my eyesTo the cold flame of the Northern LightsI close my eyes, close my eyesAnd I see you still in the shuttered night.*******I understand that a Burns Supper is a Scottish tradition of honoring the poet Robert Burns with food, drink and poetry - they even honor haggis and read a poem to a piece of it, then raise a toast to it - weird. This song would rank with the best of Robert Burns' works.

Useless advice . . .

Do not watch Ingmar Bergman films before going to bed. You'll dream in black and white; everyone will speak to you in Swedish; you'll be freezing and wearing a long coat, even though it is summer; conversations will end in long stares and views of dead trees against cloudy skies; Max Von Sydow will want to play chess with you.Went to a pub tonight for a drink and something to eat. About five people turned to me(was eating at the bar) and chatted while waiting for their drinks.. One guy was very gay - I tried to be cool, but I'm sure I gave off this "Boy are YOU gay" body language - it's tough not to. I understand and accept homosexuality as a natural part of life, but when I talk to gay men, it's difficult not to visualize them doing THINGS and I just have to fight the urge to . . . laugh. It's not offensive to me or anything - it just makes me laugh. Now women are different - if they are gay and not butch, I can visualize them doing THINGS and have to fight the urge to . . . ask them to make a video. Why is that? I find most straight men are like that. They rarely get the giggles about two women going at it. Found out last spring a friend's daughter back east announced she is a lesbian - actually bi - and the parents are a bit traumatized. I know it's gotta be tough for the girl - no matter how accepting our society says it is - and the parents, but it can't be helped. They kept hoping it was just "experimental" behavior, but now they know that's just who she is. Finding someone to really love is tough enough, so if she is happy, she's luckier than most. Another person at the bar, a woman, was with this guy who looked like the hunchbacked dude in "Rocky Horror". She kept looking over at me and smiling with these "I wish I were somewhere else" looks while he gnawed at a plate of bangers and mash. At first I thought I had tartar sauce on my nose, but then I realized she was just not into her sideshow date. I'm sure guys must think the same thing when they see me with an attractive woman - which is rare.I'm sure I'm too fussy (besides being too fat and bald) to get back into dating. A woman with some wit, common sense, a healthy curiosity and a lust for life seems to be a tall order. I'd also hope she'd be modestly cute, didn't have kids, a psycho ex and weighed less than me, but I guess I'm dreaming now that I'm pushing 40. I don't try very hard either. Okay - no more Bergman, Kurosawa or black and white foreign films before bed for at least a week. Rossini is biting my leg - he must want food. What a life.

New Year's Day

I hate New Year's - it makes me think about time and all of the things associated with the passing of time.Out of fear and frustration, most people act like idiots on this holiday -- screaming, drinking too much and slobbering over everybody like this is such an event. New Year's just seems to remind me of how little I've done in a year and how quickly time begins to pass by as you get older.It also marks the end of the holiday season and I get depressed about things getting back to normal. I love Christmas and traditions that I keep during this time of year.I know I should think of this time as a fresh start, but it just doesn't feel like that. So much baggage carries over from the previous year, no matter how hard you work.Rossini and I have just been sitting in the living room listening to music and watching the colored Christmas lights, ornaments and candles that will soon get packed up for another year. He's oblivious to what I'm thinking and feeling and every now and then I envy him.It's hard not to wonder what 2003 will be like and will I make it through unscathed? What will I be doing in the early morning of January 1st, 2004? I can only hope for health, happiness and the continued support of family and friends. So much of life is out of our control - one has to learn to submit to the human condition -- to enjoy the good and endure the bad, remembering that neither one lasts long enough to completely overshadow the other.

Christmas Time

Okay - I have 12 days to be festive, so I think I'll see a movie.Anyone want to go see The Lion King on the IMAX? I've never seen the whole movie, so I guess I might as well see a 4 story high version of it with remixed digital surround sound and do it right. Then I need to see The Two Towers, Pinocchio, Die Another Day and whatever else. I think the last movie I saw in a theater was Lord of the Rings - and before that Gladiator.Okay, so I'm fussy about seeing movies in theaters. First of all, ticket prices are too high. Secondly, I always end up sitting behind loud whisperers, fidgety kids, tall people with hats, coughers or teenagers trying to dry hump each other, and finally, 95% of American films SUCK! They are made for morons who think that Adam Sandler, Pauly Shore and Carrot Top are creative and funny. Eight Crazy Nights - who paid $8 to see that load of puke? If you did, I'd like to sell you a star in the constellation Boobus Americanus.Is there a 20 minute chase scene? Is there graphic violence or pointless sex every 15 minutes. Does someone get eaten alive or die a slow, horrible death? Are the bad guys German, Italian, Catholic Priests, Arabs or Muslims? Do the actors just blurt out one liners in between explosions or expensively produced scenes of carnage? If not,it ain't fit for American consumption.Kurosawa's last film didn't get released in the US until 8 years after it's official release and 3 years after Kurosawa was already dead. It never played in theaters around here - I just saw it on DVD and it was an incredible film, but it contained none of the elements in the paragraph above. Even the American critics said, "Where were the samurai scenes and sword fights?" "Too much static dialogue, not enough action""Sadly, this film is not as intense and angry as his earlier films - Kurosawa's gotten old and predictably optimistic." Losers.Okay, I feel better now. Don't get me wrong, I love a great sword fight or a naked minx as much as the next guy, just make it part of the plot and make the plot interesting.

A Merry Christmas

Well, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went pretty well. Had lots of good food and drink. Spent both days with family.I got money, a sweater, a Todai's GC and a Sony CD burner for my PC (big surprise gift from my brother who usually gets me refrigerator magnets or crazy straws)Will take a few days off and go to work on Monday and then will take two more days off . . . excellent, Smithers. Release the hounds.Remember, the feast of Christmas lasts 12 days starting from today and the Christmas season officially ends on Candlemas, February 2nd, now better known as Ground Hog's Day, so keep them presents coming if you haven't made the Christmas Day deadline. Baby Jesus says, "Party On".